Today the little guy, Hunter, came home from school with a skip in his step and smile on his face. He was getting off the bus after one of the worst hail storms we have had here in Western New York in a while. Hunter was all excited to tell me that the power had went out at school today. As I asked him about his day he began by telling me the most recent events (i.e. The Big Storm) and worked his way back to the morning. Of course, I got the Hunter version of the Thunder and Hail Storm.

Hunter loves school. He loves his teacher and his classmates. There is not one person in his class that he doesn’t love and truly care about. He has such a kind and gentle spirit and that is one of my favorite things about him. So when I tell you that he has created this club, keep that in mind. Hunter’s club is called the Army Club and anyone can be in the club and the best part about the club is that you get to pick your own rank when you come in and work your way up. Now if he were Jordan he would have started everyone out as a Private and made them work upward but not Hunter. Hunter lets you decide where you want to take your lead from.

As Hunter was telling me about his club I asked him who was in it and he gladly named the members as if they were a part of an elite team. Each member is special to him and he went into great lengths about each person, their rank and duties. It was his comments on one of his friends that I will share with you. Hunter has this one friend who lets just say is a nice boy but he’s the kid in the class that doesn’t always make the wisest or best decisions. Well, when Hunter told me this kid is a Captain in his club, I was shocked. I said to him, WOW a Captain that’s pretty high up there buddy. Are you sure he is ready for that rank? Hunter just looked at me and said with his hands on his hips. “Look Mom…it’s the perfect rank for him.” Now I was really intrigued and I just couldn’t help myself so I asked him, “Why is it the perfect rank for him?” His reply was very simple, “Mom you know as well I as I do that Captains don’t always make the wisest decisions.” Let’s just say I had to walk out of the room to keep from laughing in front of him. I have had the benefit of working with a lot of different ranks and at times I would have to agree to that statement. Not every Captain, but there have been a few that fit his view.

I went on to ask him about the other friends and their ranks and I was enlightened again and again on his knowledge of rank structure. Actually I was kind of blown away and proud, that was until I realized that 90% of his information he got from playing Call of Duty when (Someone ….not me…was suppose to be watching him!!)

Now, after everyone’s rank was discussed and their assigned duties and trust me it was interesting, I had to ask him about his rank. In true Steward form, he looked at me with this look of ‘your kidding me right’ and said very proudly, “AHH, MOM, I am a five-star General!” Really, I responded. His only words were “Oh course I am Mom! I know the most. That’s why I the General!” Well, he got me there too...it makes sense to me.

After our rank conversation, I had to ask him more about his club, mainly because I wasn’t sure what he was hoping to get out of his club or what types of stuff they were talking about…turns out it's all innocent. However, I was surprised by the depth of wisdom in his years, especially as he explained some of the Army Club rules to me. I am going to list for you some of the rules of his Army Club. I think you might enjoy them:

The rules…(1) Anyone can join the Army Club. (2) You chose the rank you want to be and work your way up from there. (3) You have to know the Pledge of Allegiance and God Bless America. (4) You can not fight with the people on your team and expect to win against the enemy. (5) Battles happen every day. (6) You can lose a battle but still win the War! (7) Rule number 6 is important to remember when your men are complaining. (Hunter noted that soldiers complain a lot!) (8) Everything isn’t fair in War. (9) You can quit and still come back later and be a soldier. (10) You can’t be afraid of Thunder and Lightning and Hail and be in the Army!


I asked Hunter in detail about each rule and most are pretty self explanatory. Rule number 9 has to do with getting mad and quitting the game but missing everyone so you end up coming back and its ok because your friends, as Hunter puts it. But rule number 10 I will explain in more detail to you. Here is his response to me: “Mom you just can’t always be afraid. Yeah sometimes the storms are scary but you have to be strong for your friends!” “Besides” he says, “soldiers fight in lighting sometimes. I told my friends my Daddy fought in War in a lighting storm and sometimes you just have to deal with the hail!” I sat there for a moment and began to ponder the wisdom in a six year old mind and you know he’s right. Soldiers often fight through many different types of storms (not all weather related) and many times they have gone through Hail / Hell! Out of the mouth of babes!!

In Honor of Memorial Day I would like to share the following poem as a reflection of what this day meanings to many of us. The poem was written in November of 1918 by Moina Michael. She wrote this poem as a personal pledge to Keep the Faith after reading the poem “In Flanders Fields” by John McCrae’s. From that day she vowed to wear a red poppy of Flanders Fields as a sign of remembrance.

We Shall Keep the Faith
by Moina Michael, November 1918
Oh! you who sleep in Flanders Fields,
Sleep sweet - to rise anew!
We caught the torch you threw
And holding high, we keep the Faith
With All who died.
We cherish, too, the poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led;
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies,
But lends a lustre to the red
Of the flower that blooms above the dead
In Flanders Fields.
And now the Torch and Poppy Red
We wear in honor of our dead.
Fear not that ye have died for naught;
We'll teach the lesson that ye wrought
In Flanders Fields.

This Memorial Day, we remember not only those who have served but those who have no only served but have given their lives in service to our country. Remember their families that have also served in silence. May we all remember to honor them this weekend.

Precious Words to a Warrior’s Mother – Written April 23, 2008

Today as I sit here in my empty home the silence is deafening. The other boys left for school earlier and this is the time of day when I sit down and type away in my journal and for our blog. It is also the time of day when my oldest and I would touch base and chat. Today like everyday since January 3, there is no one here to chat with. No one to tell me about the grand plans for his life or to crack a joke that brings me to my knees with laughter and no one to tease me about my attire. No one to ask me for a favor or complain about the dinner selection, but most of all there is no one to tell me “I love you Big Mama” as he walks out the door. Unless you have ever placed your baby in harm’s way, you can never begin to understand the pain the surrounds a mother’s heart when you send your baby off to war.

War is ugly, painful and difficult for those directly affected by it. No soldier wants war. It was General Douglas MacArthur who said it best, "The Soldier above all others prays for peace, for he must suffer and bear the deepest scars of war." No Mother or Father wants war especially, for our children. We spend years protecting, guiding and loving our children with a desire for them to have a bright, loving and peaceful life. We (military parents) serve in silence with our children, standing quietly in the shadows of their world.

War is something that the human race has been dealing with for many years. I was a child during the Vietnam War but I still have memories of it. Memories of news footage roll through my mind. I remember watching the TV as the soldiers were being filmed riding on the back of a truck waving to the camera while they headed off to some remote area. I remember the words of a soldier waving and saying Hi Mom. As a child, I though nothing of the importance of those simple words, but as a Mother I cherish them.

Like any Mom, those childhood memories have stayed with me. As a Military Mom, at times those memories haunt me. Today, I find myself hanging on to my computer instead of the news channel. My computer is the first thing I look at when I roll out of bed and the last thing I view before I go to sleep. WHY??? I’m looking for the Hi Mom. I just want two little words to know that my baby is ok. No one will understand the importance of those two little words to a Military Mom. Sure we would love to get a full detail of the day’s events from our babies, but in reality there are days when it would be more than we as mothers could bear to hear. For now I am grateful for a “Hi Mom….I’m OK. I miss you and love you!! Love, Your Boy”.

Just precious words to any Military Mother!

This following blog is one that I wrote shortly after Troy returned home. I know that when a lot people think of readjustement issues they think of the major issues you read about in the news but in reality readjustment issues can be so very small that most people would never believe half of them. Here is a little insight into our life adjusting....

Where Have All My Forks Gone?

Well, as you Troy has posted he is now home and we are so very thankful. It has been wonderful to have him home. Our readjustment time is going well, not to many bumps in the road of adjustment. I still have to try hard to remember to change certain words like “my room” to “our room”. I also have been very mindful to gently remind the boys to ask Dad permission for something or to ask Dad to help them instead of always asking me. They have spent so much time asking me for permission and telling me goodbye and love you Mom that they sometimes forgot to ask their Dad or tell him they love him as they leave the house. The boys are getting better about including Dad and trying to give him his space as well and not stress him out to well. They have all been on their good behavior …including the Daddy.

As Troy posted, I have noticed that he does speak a little louder than he use to but after a year of having weapons discharging constantly your hearing adjust and I realize it may take a while for him to adjust back to normal hearing levels. He is not loud all the time and I really only notice it when we are in quiet places…like church or a restaurant. The only big adjust I have had to make is the additional effort of counting the silverware after each meal. It seems that after a year of living on paper plates and plastic ware that the concept of washing the real thing is new to him. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize what was happening until quite a few were missing in action. I could not figure out how a drawer full of silverware could disappear so very quickly. Little did I know that Troy was the evil doer…I had been blaming our lazy dishwasher (aka Jordan), thinking that they were always in the sink or dishwasher. Oh how I wish that had been true but if that’s the hardest item we have then it is not so bad. So for now I count each fork, knife and spoon after every meal and I double check the trash can just in case. It’s a small price to pay for having him home.

After all I can buy new silverware…I can’t buy a new husband!!

The Joys and Downfalls of a soon to be Teenage Driver!

Oh the joy that every teenager feels when he or she starts to approach that magical year before they can actually get a learner’s permit. There’s the debate on when they can get their permit. In our house just because the state says you can have a permit doesn’t mean you can actually get one.

Since Jordan is now approaching that magical age of learner permit he has taken a renewed interest in my driving ability and proud of the fact when he can challenge me on driving rules. Jordan is like most that yearn for the car keys and any reason to hold them in their hot little hand. Jordan’s latest reason is to warm the car for me so it will not be so cold when I get in. Now I know most of you are thinking..oooh how sweet is he! Well let me recap the event for you. Teenager starts car and turns heating blower on full blast well before car has warmed up; therefore blowing minus ten degree air into the ice cold car. Next teenager feels the need to change Mom’s radio station and while he is at it he turns it up so loud the elderly man next door can hear it without his hearing aid turned on and to top it off the man is inside his house and he can hear it. Teenager now sees Mom has sent little brother outside…he waits till little guy is exactly three inches from the front of the vehicle and hits the alarm sending the little guy running and screaming on a snow packed icy driveway. After the attempt on his brother’s hearing, he decided that he would move out of the driver’s seat and into the passenger seat. Of course this was done by an incredible act of gymnastics since we have bucket seats in the van. In moving from one seat to the other he failed to realize that his feet were still covered in snow and ice. As he moves, he ends up dragging his short legs across Mom’s seat leaving a nice trail of snow and slush on it. Teenager does not look back to see if the seat was dirty even though he felt the seat with his foot. His continual move required him to step on the carpet instead of the nice winter mats that Dad brought for Mom to address snow and wet weather. Unfortunately the place where Mr. Short Legs decided to step was the exact same spot that Mom uses to place her purse. Note to every teenager…Never Ever Mess with a Mom’s Purse especially if it is one that she has saved for a very long time to purchase. Now as the teenager notices his younger brother walking toward car he decides to tease him by pretending to hit the alarm. Younger Brother decides that he would rather lick the snow off the dirty car then get inside the car with older brother.

As I exited the house, you can only begin to image my state of mind as I saw the little guy picking at the ice on the car and his tongue stuck out complaining and asking if it was still there. Not really wanting to know where his tongue had been but realizing that I am the angel’s Mother…I ask the unbearable question…why does your tongue hurt? The answer was not exactly what I wanted to hear..which had something to do with eating ice off of the dirty car. As I was screaming inside of myself, I put the youngest angel in his car seat as I repeated the lecture of why we do not lick the car or eat the dirty snow and ice off of the car.

At this point, I am annoyed that the teenager had blown me off and thinking internally that God must have something really good in store for me. I never once thought to look at my seat before I sat down, just image my joy as I plop into my seat and place my purse in its usual spot. Keep in mind the car is still minus twelve with the subzero air blowing, as I place myself on the slush. As I jump up and proceed to brush the slush from my seat I realized my purse was in the way and not wanting it to get wet I moved it to the dash. As I reached for my purse I noticed the bottom was wet…this was not how I envisioned this errand to start. After a major discussion about the previous events we left the driveway at last on our way.

Our drive was suppose to be a short drive (approximately 14 minutes) but somehow it really didn’t seem that way since the younger child couldn’t not seem to stop talking much to the dismay of his older brother who also had a huge desire to share the events of his day. After several minutes of speaking over each other they turned on each other like a pack of wolves. Lucky for me there was a stop light where I could address the situation. I am sure that the vehicles beside and behind us were quite entertained as they watched me because as one of them passed me the driver was laughing his head off as he waved to me.

As we approached our final destination, the car started to warm up to a toasty 30 something degrees. Our teenager was excited to exit the car and rush in to his awaiting fan club of friends. This is when I finally got my revenge. See in a winter environment it is not always a good ideal to enter one door and the exit the other. Especially when that door has been frozen shut and blocked by ice on the outside. If he had even walked to that side of the car he would have noticed the ice surrounding his door but noooo he was too lazy or should I say too busy driving the Mother crazy. Image his surprise as he unlocks the door and pushes on it and the door doesn’t even crack open a little. He pushes again and again over and over till the mop of hair on his head begins to shake like a lead guitarist in a head banging fit. At this point, I can no longer control my laughter and I lose it…laughing so hard my sides hurt. As he pushed with his entire body for the seventh time the door finally pops open and almost disperses him on the icy ground. With his fan club looking on he simply re-adjusts his hat to the “Cool” position, yells out “I’m OK!” and enters the school. As I drove away I wore the largest smile inside and out, the earlier events all seems to disappear as the joys of Motherhood set in.

Finding Out the Second Deployment News (Jon’s Going Over..)

For the last eighteen months, I have walked around in silence waiting for the dreaded time when I would have to hug and kiss my baby goodbye and then send him off into combat. At times, it felt like a death sentence. As I waited in silence, I was already serving a deployment sentence. Troy was long gone and fully focused on his own Afghanistan Deployment. I counted down the months, looking forward to the day that I could hold my husband in my arms again but knowing full well that as time passed for my love to return my baby would be leaving shortly afterwards.

In January 2007, Jon was informed that he would be going overseas the following year. He was informed during his Deployment to Arizona (Border Patrol). He was excited to finally getting his chance to deploy. I, however, did not exactly share his same excitement. I tried not to show any true emotions when he told me. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Mom I know that this may not be a good time to tell you this with Dad being deployed and all…but you’re going to find out anyway so here goes….Mom, I’m deploying next year to Afghanistan.” I tried really hard to act like any parent would when their child gives them the awful D word. It only took a second for him to figure out that I already knew. Thankfully he had no clue how very long I had known but he knew I knew none the less. He asked me how long I had known and if his Dad knew yet. I told him yes his Dad knew which I am sure he already knew that. Then he asked me again “Mom exactly how long have you known?” Too long, way too long is all I could think of but instead I told him the truth that I found out by accident back in April 2006 that there was a strong chance of him going and then I got a definite in June 2006 but the one thing Army Life has taught me well is that things are constantly changing so nothing is a guarantee. So, I sat with my secret until I knew that they had told him. I did the same thing till Troy mentioned it to me a few months after I found out.

Most you do not know my background or the fact that I work for the Transportation Motor Pool on base years ago. I learned a lot back then and like everyone around the military I made connections that have looked out for me and my family, if nothing else but to give me a heads up. In our family it wasn’t unusual for me to know something and not tell my husband, it was just part of the job and clearance. Just like it was not unusual for Troy to know something and not tell me, part of his rank and clearance. I had been tested before and passed with flying colors, years ago when Troy’s unit was scheduled to return to the Gulf on less than an 8 hour notice yet because of my position I knew over two weeks out. He just thought that I was working a lot of overtime and we needed the money. What I was really doing was the ground work that is required for troop movements, it takes an enormous amount of man power to transport soldiers from a stateside location to an undisclosed overseas location especially when it entails a rapid deployment. In that position you knew the units and every soldiers name as well as the flight time usually weeks prior. None of these guys including my husband had a clue that they would get a one hour recall notice one day and I couldn’t tell him or I would lose my job and we couldn’t afford that. I will tell you that it was hard to kiss my husband goodbye the appointed morning. I remember forcing him to walk our son to the bus stop so that they could have some one on one time then I headed out for work. Luck would have it, my husband and his unit were spared from deploying within three hours of the go time. I was so glad I didn’t tell him. I learned then and there things change constantly and until you are on that plane nothing is for sure.

As the months rolled by during Troy’s deployment I did a pretty good job keeping my secret private. A few select people knew and for that I was thankful because it did give me an opportunity to vent as a mother and wife. There were times when someone would say something that would just set me off emotionally and I could make a call and the person on the other end would remind me that whoever set me off had no idea what pathway I was walking. I heard, “Well, at least they are not both gone at the same time or you don’t know what it’s like to have a son deployed and not know if he is going to be alright.” Well, I did know and I bit my tongue the entire time. I have had both my soldiers deployed at the same time before and for the record…the Army uses real live ammo so every time a soldier deploys whether Training or Homeland Security Missions or Combat, things can go wrong…nothing is a given and anyone who thinks otherwise is just clueless. For the Record, just because we are using National Guard Soldiers on Border Patrol does not mean there are not shot at!! Illegals and Drug Runners do not care who is in there way. National Guard, Border Patrol, Active Duty Soldiers all get shot at!! I learned during that time to just smile and bite my tongue and say nothing, but trust me I have done my share of stewing.

So for now I sit and I wait with a heavy heart, longing for Troy to return safely to my arms and dreading the departure of our baby into that same war-torn area. In the meantime, I ponder how in the world I will ever begin to prepare my other two boys for this next deployment so soon after our reunion.

In 2003, shortly after our son, Jon shipped to Basic Training. I wrote a piece/poem that truly reflected what I was thinking and feeling at the time. I kept the piece very private for a little over a year. In 2004, I was honored to be a part of a beautiful military family group, the Bravo Company 2/108th FRG. It was then during Bravo Company’s Iraqi deployment that a group of women (mothers and wives) would meet several times during the month for coffee and crafts, crocheting, and scrapbooking. During that time, we (the ladies) got to know each on a level that only a few people will ever begin to understand. These women became my family…my sisters. While our soldiers walked the battlefield our hearts and minds battled a different war here at home. Many nights our conversations were filled with daily chatter and shared worries. On the nights that we were scrapbooking we found ourselves viewing pictures that the guys had sent home from Iraqi. It was a way for us to see that the boys were all right. We shared stories of our children growing up and we got to know the boy behind the man serving our country. I love these women and the bond that we share. Nothing will ever remove the bond from my heart that I feel for each and every one of them.

One night during one of our meetings, I was actually brave enough to share the following piece with these ladies. Their reaction would later bring me to my decision to share this piece with you. I realize that this piece is specific to me and my family, it is their words that ring in my mind, simply put every Military Mom can relate.

So here I am, starting an overseas deployment of my son and still I can go back to that very day when we sat in the Recruiter Office. Let’s just say I didn’t make the Recruiter’s job easy after all this was my baby...not his. As a First SGT wife, I had no problem stating my point of view. I didn’t want him to lie or miss lead my son and in reality I didn’t want him to sign up but like a wise military mother I just turned to my son and told him…”Honey, it’s your life your choice whatever you decide I will always be right here by your side. No matter what!!”

So to my military sisters…I love you guys!! To SSG Harrison (the Recruiter) thank you for being honest with my boy and most of all for understanding that I am a mother first and foremost. So here it is my true reflection of being a Military Mom.


The Reflections of a Military Mom

Dear America,

I have given you my son, my soldier, my hero to serve our country. I may not have given him freely. See he made up his mind along time ago to serve and I had little say in his decision except to stand beside him and accept his commitment to our country. I am a selfish woman. I love my son and really do not like to share him or see him in harm’s way. But I share him because I have to…he actually believes that he may someday make a difference in the lives of some other human beings so that they may not have to suffer injustices. He truly believes that he, one soldier, can make the difference in a life even if that means offering up his own. I will never begin to understand his commitment to follow in his Dad’s footsteps. He knows full well the sacrifice that he, as a soldier, will be asked to make and he know all too well the sacrifices he is asking us (his family) to make. He should remember the sleepless nights, the long deployments, the tours of duty away from the family. He should remember the many times he missed his Dad and wished that he was there for that special day at school or the playoff games. I know he remembers all those times but why is it that what he remembers most is the pride that he held in his eyes when he looked at his Dad in his uniform. I use to think it was so cute to see him salute his Dad and play Army with his buddies. I never knew that one day he would make the same decision that his Dad made.

Don’t get me wrong, I was ok with his Dad’s decision. After all, he is a Military Man…Proud to Serve. I knew when I married him that I married a Soldier’s soldier because that is exactly what the Sergeant Major told me I was doing. But I never dreamed that my baby would choose to become his father. After all, he saw the real deal so there was no way he would sign up. I am not sure if I was living in a dream world or that I really thought that I could protect him all his life.

Now I sit here and pray. Pray for his safety and the safety of his fellow soldiers…his new brothers and sisters. So America, I am asking you to pray for our soldiers, our sons and daughters, our husbands and wives, and our families, HONOR their sacrifices. Remember to pray for the Commanders, so that they are wise in their decisions and of course, pray for our President.

…and America when you pray, please remember to pray for me and my fellow military sisters as we learn to let go of our babies and trust God and their Commanders.

May God Bless our children as they serve our great nation!


With Deepest Respect,
Christine Steward
Proud Military Mother
And
Proud Military Wife

Well, I think that I am finally ready to start blogging again. I have been silent on our family blog for a while now. There are lots of reasons why. I could simply say time got away from me but that would not be completely truthful. While time has passed very quickly for me since Hunter’s surgery/Troy’s emergency leave back in February. Our life here on the Home Front has been an emotional roller coaster for us at home.

While I have hear from several people that they had missed our family blogs, I was just not able to bring my self to share our roller coaster ride on-line for the world to see. The truth is that I intentionally made a decision to journal my private thoughts and wait to posts them after I reviewed them to ensure that I protected my children’s emotions and their privacy. Now after many months, I am in the place where I can once again be comfortable with sharing life on our blog. I will be posting some journal entries from my silent times very soon. I will reference them with the month and year. For now, I will start with this posting.

Take Care,
Christine

Well our family was fortunate enough to get tickets through a great neighbor with great contacts to the Ice Bowl. So on New Year's day instead of Black Eyed Peas or any other traditional food that people typically eat on the first day of the year, we will be eating bratwurst, popcorn and whatever else the vendors are selling. This will be a great time I am sure as we are spending it with Jon in one of his last days in NY before shipping out to start his Afghanistan tour. We will be watching the Sabres play the Penguins in the first ever outdoor NHL Hockey game in the USA.

I would like to write more, but that kind of sums it up and I have stolen enough time away from the family today as I get the new website ready for publishing tomorrow.

This notice is also on the front page of bouhammer.com

I want to let anyone know who regularly visits this site or reads blogs from here that you will probably see some changes happening over the next couple of weeks. I am currently working on a major re-design of this website, with a lot of help from my good friend Matt. He has helped me with some coding issues I have had on the re-design.

Anyway, you may notice some colors changing, fonts looking different, or other changes between now and the end of the year. My plan is to have the new site go live on January 1st, 2008. I am really excites about how the new site looks and I would love to start it up sooner, but I don't think between everything I have going on in my life that I will be able to dedicate the time to the changeover and have it be 100% ready until the end of December.

So if you see some things looking different, don't worry it is not that you are getting old and your eyes failing (even though that could be happening), it is probably me and the changes I am making to some of the content in order to get it ready for the new website look.

Well, Thursday came and we went to Hunter’s appointment. As we pulled up to the building and exited the van, Hunter asked me if they had needles in this particular building. As I tried to assure him that while they did have needles I didn’t think he was going to have to face any needles today, he walked as slowly as he possibly could kicking at the snow as he went along.

Our wait was short but enjoyable. I have never in my life since a waiting room so full of joy, giggles and play. There were about 10 children waiting to be seen, from a few months old to 10 years old. Most of children were calm and near their parent’s side then all of sudden someone asked Hunter to play with the trucks and well it just got silly in there. The boys were on their knees pushing trucks making noises the girls who started out cheering the boys on soon were on the floor as well. Laughter filled the room and a sense of relief came over the room as all the fear of illnesses and future surgeries were gone from our minds for that very brief moment. At one point the receptionist came out into the waiting to see what was going on. Never before had she experienced so much joy and noise. It made her day to hear the laughter instead of the screams of fear.

As we left the waiting room to be seen by the surgeon, four of the children called out to Hunter. “Hey Hunter, Good Luck Hunter Man. Bye Hunter nice playing with you.” Seconds later we were in the room and meeting with the surgeon. I liked her. She had an excellent bedside manner a special way of putting you at ease and not once did I feel rushed with her. She asked questions and talked not only to me but Hunter as well. When she first walked into the room Hunter made a bolt for the chair located in the corner to hide from her. The way she interacted with him made me realize that she was doing what she loved. She’s gentle, kind and knowledgeable in her field. Since we have walked this pathway before I know the drill and what she was going to tell me and she was detailed and open with all the issues. I explained my considers about our Children’s Hospital and she listened never once making excuses only offering her assurance that changes had been made and that she would be there each step of the way to address any concerns and issues that we may have.

The surgeon did her exam and confirmed to me that yes he did actually have a hernia on his right side but that he had a small one as well on left side that was just starting. She showed how to check him for hernias, which was nice because I knew the one way to check and but she showed me another way as well, now had two different ways to verify if he has a hernia. I explained to the doctor that Troy was deployed and that I would be on my own with this surgery but that the Red Cross may call her because I want them to be able to communicate to my husband that Hunter is fine after the surgery. So that he doesn’t have to wait till I returned home to email him.

I signed all the forms up front and even got the prescriptions for his meds and diet restrictions (for post surgery) that appointment. We walked out of there completely prepared with date in hand, all we had to do was wait for the day to arrive. I have to tell you having the diet restrictions and prescription early was a blessing no last minute running around to the grocery store for the liquid diet surprise or to the pharmacy for the pain meds and bandages. Everything could be done well before the day of the surgery.

Tonight we rest, before I head to bed I send Troy an email to call home when he gets up so I can tell him what is going on.

I have laid awake for over four hours tonight not sleeping wondering if I should let Troy know. I heart tells me I should tell him but my brain says don't make him worry. So after a very restless sleep I decided to ask the one person who truly knows Troy as well as I do…I called Chris, his best friend and in our hearts his brother. My children do not have many blood relatives and in reality we have adopted many of our active duty friends as family. Chris has been our brother for a very long time. My children know him as Uncle Chris, they love and adore him and his wife (Auntie Debbie). Chris knows everything about us. After all he was with us when Hunter was born. Debbie was my labor coach because Troy and Chris were in Canada with Jordan at a hockey tournament when I went into labor. They were both right there that very day. Hunter was only a few seconds old as they held him in their arms. He is their baby as much as their children as ours. Hunter is his Godchild and they love our boys as if they are their blood relatives.

Chris knew when I called something was wrong, we’ve been family way to long. After a few minutes of explaining what was happening and asking him his advice he gave me the confirmation I needed. Chris never even hesitated, “You have to tell him! He would be so mad at you Christine.” “He can handle this…I know he can,” he said. I explained about the where the advice came from on not telling him. Chris just gentle said, “they don’t know him like we do…tell him…go with you heart on this one.” Since Chris has only been back from Iraq for two years, he had some great advice on when to tell him so his head stays in the game of war and he can deal with the news. The last thing we wanted was for him to not be focused on his task at hand and worried about this. Besides Chris already did the, “you will not be alone check on me”, making double sure that Jon would be home with me on the day of the surgery. I truly believe that if he thought for one minute I would have to do this alone one of them would have been here with me and the boys. I have no doubt on this, that’s the type of relationship we have, were family. I am so very thankful for Chris and Debbie.

I decide to follow Chris’s advice I was able to find out that Troy had a day off coming up and it would be the perfect time to tell him because it would be only hours after I met with the surgeon so I would have more information to share him them. So, I sit here and wait with a heavy heart wanting so much to tell him and knowing I need to wait. Thankfully, he only has a few minutes to IM today and he is heading to bed exhausted so it is easier to not tell him so he will sleep peacefully, besides I will tell him tomorrow.

Sleep Well My Love!

My heart is heavy and my mind is racing as I leave the doctors office. I knew before I got there that something was wrong. Things just didn’t look normal last night and I was right. As the doctor looked me in the eyes he said, “Good call Mom, you were right.” I stood there wishing that I had been wrong. I have already walked this pathway before and while I realize it is not the end of the world it is still a very hard thing to do as a parent…entrust your sweet baby to a stranger with a surgeons knife.

Everything started last Sunday Night, when I gave Hunter a bath I noticed a bulge on his right side that didn’t look normal. It wasn’t huge or too abnormal. It just didn’t look normal to me. When I checked later in the night the bulge was gone. So Monday night when I gave him a bath I saw it again, I knew then what I was dealing with. It was acting just like Jordan’s hernias did. On Tuesday morning, I called our Pediatrician’s office and we were in before 2 the same day. Hunter wasn’t even undressed by the time the doctor came in chiming to Hunter with his hello. I explained what I saw and what I thought it was. He checked and that’s when I got the look and the “good call Mom”. We talked about it, what type it was and why it happens. Then we talked about Jordan’s and what happened with his surgeries for the same thing. He was only three months old when he had his first surgery and two and a half years old when he had his second surgery. Our doctor knew I was concerned because Jordan had coded on us during his second surgery (twice) but he had a third surgery only seven years ago and came through fine.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful Pediatrician who truly cares about his patients and their families. I am also blessed because he is prior military and totally understands the challenges of military live and the effects of a deployment on a child. He also knows what I am dealing with internally since I had to go home and explain everything to my husband long distance. Then I had to tell the other boys which was not going to be pleasant either. Maybe I can hold off till Jon gets home so I don’t have to tell him over the phone.

We left the doctor’s office with an appointment to meet the surgeon on Thursday, which was less than 48 hours from the time we first walked in to the doctors office. For Buffalo that is really quick, I know that because we had to wait almost a month to see the surgeon when Jordan had his third surgery.

I really like the surgeon our doctor’s office help get for us. She has a wonderful bedside manner and put Hunter at ease right away and best of all she didn’t even flinch when I told her I was not happy about having the surgery at our Children’s Hospital. I have had three really bad experiences there and was not happy to have to go there for a surgery but I knew that their Surgery Department is a lot better than their Emergency Room Department, which I tried to avoid at all costs.

I know the Red Cross procedures better than anyone in my unit because I teach them. I know full well that I will probably be alone for this surgery, surgeries are a hit and miss when it comes to Emergency Leave, it all boils down to the risks and the Commands needs. In the end you are at the mercy of someone who may not have all the details of the situation depending on who you speak to at the Red Cross and how medically knowledgeable they are and exactly what information your doctor shares with them. Let just say I was worried because the people that I normally deal with here at our local Red Cross are no longer there and I knew the person I was talking to was new.

I know that the chance of Troy coming home is small. After all when Jordan had his first surgery; he was only 3 months old and they deployed Troy for three months as soon as Jordan came out of ICU and I was left there to care for an infant that you could not let cry for fear of tearing the stitches and undoing all the work the flight surgeon had so very careful done. I was young then and very green to the coldness you can feel being alone in an emergency wanting your spouse but knowing that the nation comes first. I was angry back then, wanting him to be there with me and his son…I needed him. I remember hanging up on a few people…the Command Sgt Major, the Chaplin, my Mother and even Troy. I did the yah yah sisterhood phone slamming trick every time someone told me they knew how I felt. No they didn’t…they hadn’t given their tiny baby to a stranger and trusted that they would be OK. They were not the one working a full time job, going to college at night and trying to raise two children one of which was sickly all by their self. No, they didn’t know how I felt; I had no one to help me, no family nearby and very few friends. I was 22 hours by plane away from my family and because we hadn’t been in Alaska all that long so I had very few friends to help me out or even give me a break.

That was then…years ago…and this is now. I am older and wiser and a lot stronger for having walked that pathway years ago. I keep telling myself I can do this alone, I know I can without a doubt but it would be so nice to have him here beside me. I am not worried about the surgery itself. I am worried about telling Troy. How do I tell him and calm him all at once knowing full well he can’t do anything about it or even come home? I know full well that he is a different man than he was years ago. He has always been a good father but having Hunter so many years after Jordan well lets just say he’s a different man. He has Troy whipped and has since I was pregnant with him. Hunter has had everyone in this house wrapped around his fingers since the day he was born.

As I sit here, I am running through the options in my mind. Do I tell him now or wait until the appointment with the surgeon? Do I worried him and then have no information to give him and he sits there and worries unable to focus on his mission? I would never forgive myself if something happened and he could not focus. Do I wait to tell him and pretend it was emergency surgery so he doesn’t worry to long? Do I tell him now so we can talk about everything up front? I have never hid anything from Troy like this. Oh sure, I have done the wife clothing trick…you know the “Oh no, Honey, I have had that dress for years really I can’t believe you don’t remember me in it before.” I have done the “everything is fine here lie when my world is falling apart because the kids warring or Mother Nature playing her hand.” But I have never misled him about our children’s health and I can’t start now!

I decide that maybe if I don’t catch him on-line tonight or tomorrow am then I won’t tell him till after I get back from the surgeons appointment. After all he didn’t ask me why I was taking Hunter to the doctor today so why not let him sleep peacefully tonight. At least one of us will.

Well this has certainly been a week of emotions. I spent Saturday and Sunday doing Family Readiness Group work for Charlie Company since they were deploying to Arizona for three weeks for Operation Jumpstart. This is an easy deployment from my point of view, harder for those who have never sent a love one away. Easy for me because in my mind it’s only three weeks and there really shouldn’t be any combat type of interaction to speak of. Since I am a mom of a soldier, I do the simple yet thoughtful things for my son as he is getting ready to deploy, the purchase of luxury items: magazines, beef jerky, meds, Red Bull, and I made sure he had current pictures of everyone especially his Dad and the little guy.

For Hunter, this is not a simple deployment. All of our boys are close, but Jon and Hunter share a special bond that is different from the bond that Hunter or Jon for that part share with Jordan. Since Troy has been gone, Jon has stepped up to a disciplinary role in our family as he is my back-up and helps me when I need a little more support in keeping the other boys in-line. He rides Jordan about back-talking, being respectful and helping out with household chores (and on occasion has made numerous suggestions of military schools that are taking applications just in case I have had enough). As for Hunter, Jon has been his buddy and at times the mean one who puts him in time-out (which he needs from time to time). Jon usually picks Hunter up from pre-school one day a week for me and they have lunch together. Just the two of them, and unlike Mom, Jon takes him inside to sit down and eat. So for Hunter, it is something he looks forward too.

We tried to prepare Hunter as best we could about Jon’s deployment but he just seemed to think of it as a drill weekend not a long term thing. That was until Monday after school when he came in the door from pre-school yelling Jon’s name. He ran up to Jon’s room looking for him and then came back down and asked me “Where’s Jon?” I explained to him that Jon had to go play army for few weeks. He just looked at me and with glassy eyes said “like Daddy.” I said, “Yes but Jon will not be gone as long.” Oh course, a long conversation followed about how long and when Jon would come home. I reminded him that he had said goodbye to Jon that very morning at 530 AM at the Armory when we took Jon in his uniform and gear. I looked back at that morning’s event; I was tired from only a few hours sleep but I remembered Hunter’s reaction. We had said goodbye several times that morning mainly because things were so busy I think we kept forgetting if we had said it or not and since I have this rule that no one leaves the house without telling each other good-bye and telling each other how we feel about each other (I love You!!!). Jon had given Hunter a long hug and told him goodbye at the house and another hug and kiss goodbye at the Armory but there were no tears from Hunter like I had expected. Actually he had very little reaction out of the normal goodbye almost like he thought he would be seeing Jon later that day.

I knew they would both miss each other as I saw in Jon’s eyes. He calls Hunter his little buddy. Hunter is always under Jon’s feet and trying to constantly steal Jon’s girlfriend. Since Monday afternoon, he has been a sad little boy. Asking for Jon and telling me he misses Jon and Daddy often. He kept asking me if he could talk to them so I let him make a video for both of them. He really didn’t say much in the video but he introduced himself as if they may have forgotten who he was. He started off by saying, “Hi (Jon or Daddy)…it’s me Hunter.”

I often wonder what goes through his mind when he thinks about where they are. Usually, I have told him they are playing Army and they have to get the bad guys or keep America safe. This time I told him Jon had to go play Army. Hunter asked me if Jon had to go play Army because they needed a Medic in case the bad guys hurt someone. I told him yes, and then he said to me but who will make me better when I need a medic. See unlike normal children who, when they get hurt, ask their Mommy to make it better. Hunter yells for a Medic like he has been wounded in combat and the only one he wants dressing his wounds is Jon, his medic. Jon always makes it better and has an array of special band-aids that I have purchased. We have Spiderman, Nemo, Rescue Hero’s, Neon Colored ones and the plain Jane kind, but Spiderman is Hunter’s favorite and that is what Jon uses on him most of the time. So Hunter being Hunter disappeared and I saw him in the cabinet where I keep the band-aids. He came back and said to me “Mom, Jon didn’t take any Spiderman Band-aids with him. How is he going to make the guys better without the Spiderman Band-aids?” I had to try really hard not to laugh because he was so serious. After explaining that Jon has all kinds of special band-aids and that he probably has some Spiderman ones with him he was happy for the moment.

Oh, he really misses his soldiers…so do I!

Well, it’s New Years Eve and I am sick!! I woke up at 2 AM this morning with chills and a fever of a 102.7. I am miserable and I have company. Troy’s parents arrived this afternoon and are visiting the boys and I for a few days. Jon has plans with his girlfriend tonight and the younger boys, Troy’s Parents and I are planning on holding the house down tonight. Its funny everyone sat around the living room watching the events on the television and one by one we nodded off to sleep. Not one of us made it to midnight except of course Mister Party Animal (Jon).

We had a very quiet New Years Day here at our house. We just sat back and relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. We did have a little excitement at night around dinner time. Troy’s mom had made fried rice for dinner and I was going to grill fish on the grill outside. When I went out to start the grill, I raised the cover and a very fat beaded eye rat looked right at me as he sat on my grill rack. I freaked and screamed which was not what I needed to do because I already didn’t have a voice. I ran back inside doing my little “OMG rat dance” to explain what I saw and what happened. I don’t think I will be able to grill till I buy a new one in the spring. Ok I know it can be cleaned, after all my father-in-law said, “Turn on the grill and let it burn for a while and it will be alright.” My mother-in-law told me to do that then put the grill top in the dishwasher and run it through it a cycle or two. I am leaning toward buying a new grill or at least a new grill top. It is just too gross for me. The Animal Control Department told me that the rat population was out of control because of the warm winter and the storm damage giving them extra shelters in our neighbors and of course the creek. I don’t care where it came from, it needs to find a different home not in my yard or on my grill.

That night we had broiled fish (in the oven) and it really wasn’t that bad. Then we had an exciting game of dominoes, which Jon’s Christine won…even though someone didn’t play by the rules….Dad. We had a wonderful visit and enjoyed our time with Troy’s parents even though the visit was too short. Unfortunately they left around two the next day and by six in the evening I was sick sick sick and in bed. I spent the better part of the next week in bed sick. I finally went to the doctor and got a huge amount of drugs and I am now on the road to recovery. My voice is starting to come back and I actually think I am feeling better.


Here’s to a better year in 2007! Happy New Year!